The story of those I've left behind.

Ah, some folks are so right. I should not appear to be angry because I am not angry. I mean, anger is nothing really but a response to powerlessness. Old news there.

Let me clarify what I am so that some of you can stop wasting your time trying to 'help' me out of my "abyss".

I am CONVINCED. I have CERTITUDE rather than merely faith be it negotiable or non negotiable. I am FEARFUL of the ignorants and their desperate attempts to explain how it is that they feel so paralysed in a situation such as this. One thing I know for sure is that the only thing worse than a person with the WRONG opinion, is a person with NO opinion. People with NO opinion are generally used by those with evil intentions in order to dissiminate chaos which is in turn used to produce agreement via silent acquiescence.

Who did I leave behind? I left behind a very large family who loved me and I them. I left behind a family who stood behind me regardless of the situation. I left behind innocent human beings whose only hope was to increase the solidarity of a family so that on Judgement Day, we all could be reunited.

Strangely enough, my increase in faith and ability to use words came to me only six months ago. It was a very rapid progression of tests, all of which, I seem to have passed. It was very rapid, it was witnessed by so many because lets face it, I'm a talker. And there is one thing I know, via our witnessing of events to other people, we record our data in their minds and hearts. Why is that? Because it isn't up to any individual who is 'chosen' for Islam. Allah chooses a person for that. Via witnessing to others, miracles can be seen for what they are. and our faith is validated. Things like faith are so hard to prove you know. It is unfortunate however that some people are so lacking in faith in the Creator that they misinterpret that information and take things personally when the going gets tough. They are afraid of being WRONG. Well, that is the problem with human logic and reason. It is faulty.

My miracles though were not a product of reason or logic. although my tremendous intellect has had a very important role in terms of researching the problems involved in the ME right now. In fact, as some of them were being carried out in front of me I was dazed and confused because sometimes, they appeared to be terrible things or things meant to hurt others. Not at all. I see how each and every thing I've said and done during my amazing religious ecstasy has its place in each of the individuals with whom I've communicated very personal data.

So, who did I leave behind as well? I left behind ONE unbeliever. A person whom I've always considered to be my very own brother. Mohamed and I go way back. I married his brother and prior to marrying his brother, I met Mohamed's stare in a college registration line. It was a long look. Very long. I was so surprised to discover him in my soon-to-be husband's dorm room and introduced to me. Our life story began to unfold right then and there. Mohamed was always there for me and we shared the same sense of humor I have, cynical. I'll never forget the time when he was planning on losing his virginity to a beautiful Indian girl (Navajo if I remember correctly) and he couldn't 'get it up'. I counselled him. Then, when I experienced troubles in my marriage early on, he was always there for me to offer me solace. He knew his brother and he knew how they were raised.

How were they raised? Well, last week when I was trapped inside of my Beirut digs with my sister in law who had fled from the impoverished neighborhoods of West Beirut, we spoke about so many things. So many. We had an intense coming together and shared what we had failed to share over the past 15 years since I met my husband's family. She told me about her grandfather and his abuse of her grandmother. You see, my husband was not raised by his parents but by his grandparents. Like most Lebanese, his parents were illiterate and poor and the only way they could be successful in life was to travel abroad to do business. So anyway, she told me a story about her grandfather that I'd never heard. Oh, I knew the old goat could be an ass but because of the respect that is due to a man in his position, my husband and his brother had never told me about some of the episodes that formed their character. She told me that once, the old man took his wife and placed a noose around her neck and prepared to hang her from the ledge inside the old house where she used to sit in order to make flat bread, out of the way of the many children in her care. As he placed the noose on her head, she went around the house in order to close the blinds in order that the neighbors not see her being put to death.

That is how they grew up. They grew up in the "OLD WORLD". When women were simply treated as they were treated in the days of ignorance, prior to Islam becoming such a big part of everyone's life. In those days, COMMUNISM AND SOCIALISM ruled the day. It was the days of khaki as mentioned in a fine poem by Mahmoud Darwish. Post Ottoman oppression of the Shi'i. In your LINGO, they call that, a POWER VACUUM. When one oppressor leaves the house to another oppressor, it leaves one of those awful things behind.

So my brother Moe grew up in times like those and witnessed the emergence of Shi'ism. You see, Shi'ism has always been oppressed, not just by non muslims but more importantly, by the Sunni rulers and for a very good reason. That reason, what is that reason? Well, in the early days of Islam, the prophet was told by Allah to appoint a 'successor' who would not only memorize the Quran but a person who would also WITNESS the life of a very important person in world history.As well, Mohamed was told to also recite in the Quran this exact warning that Allah gave to HIM personally and that is, that if he DIDN'T state God's Will for a delegate who would serve in the absence of future prophets, he would have failed entirely as a prophet.. We all know how history is....written by the victors but the truth always lives in the hearts and minds of the victims of the oppressors. And so it was that this appointment resulted in the major split in Islam. Those who insisted that God's Will must be followed right down to the last period and those who thought they could 'consult' with one another and forego God's Will and make up their own plan.

The fact that he (my brother in law Moe) witnessed the birth of Shi'ism or rather, the re-emergence of it, created in him a sense of disbelief. We all know how human being get DESPERATE in times of chaos. Thing is, even when the chaos disappeared as Lebanon was rebuilt into one of the wonders of the modern world, Islam not only didn't disappear, it became stronger. It has spread throughout the ME and the rest of the planet like a wildfire. But for Mohamed, he remained unconvinced, and, lost as to what his future ought to be. How often humans are in that miserable trap. Every one of us.

Mohamed only arrived to Lebanon two months ago. He had been working in the Circus in the US selling souvenirs on a seasonal basis. Very lonely and unhappy journeys he has been on. Two years ago however, he met an honest girl. Her name is Dalal. Very pious and works in an orphanage near my Beirut apartment as a 'house parent'. You know what those are right? I mean, for some reason, many Americans think that muslims are from outer space and don't have real world concerns or societal problems like drugs, alcohol, poverty, etc. or the need for something like a 'house parent'.

So Mohamed was in Lebanon in order to consummate the marriage contract he had agreed to almost a year ago. He was there to have sexual relations with his new wife. Oh it was feisty alright. I bought her negligee and a heart necklace made of brushed gold. Still though, Mohamed was unconvinced of the existence of a Creator. Everyone else in our family though were and are, well on our way to Judgement Day with clean hearts. That is the ticket you see, you want to get rid of all the refuse in your soul before you die. Not only get rid of it, but UNDERSTAND it. Forgiveness isn't about a person dying on the cross to save you from your sins. That is just ridiculous.

Mohamed was left behind by the Creator in order that he receive the same crash course that I was treated to over the past months and years. His course however, clearly must be more powerful because he entered into it with a sense of agnosticism as opposed to me who only entered into it with the handicap of drinking, my belief was already secure six months ago when my very serious lesson plan of the soul began . He is the only one we have left on that side of the world who still requires convincing. Will it be successful?

I believe so. He is there now with his brilliant sense of humor. Where only three weeks ago he had no idea what to do in his life...to return to the Circus or start a business in war torn Liberia.
Very hard life in Liberia right now you know. Very hard. People have to haul their own water and have no electricity. One of my other 'brothers' is already there and has been for almost two years. One of his children, Hamoodi, has had Malaria twice already. So now, Mohamed doesn't have to choose. His choice was given to him by the Creator. He was given a pious, good wife and an opportunity for redemption. To serve his family as the only son able to remain behind because he was the only one already there. Fate. Destiny. The Will of Allah. Powerful.

The other brothers...well...my husband and his other two brothers...their wives, including me, were all stranded in Lebanon. We have all made it out. The other two women and their seven children made it into Syria. I'm good now that I know that they made it out. I am also glad that to one of them, I made ammends just a month ago when I apologized to her for condoning alcohol consumption and made her feel like a fool for opposing it. When I apologized to her (I was cleaning my bathroom and was suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to go talk with her about what I suddenly realized I had done)..when I apologized to her (before the Israeli aggression) she just sobbed. I mean she SOBBED. She said, "But I didn't hold it against you."
Of course she didn't. She loves me and always has. I told her, "Well, it would have been better if you'd have hated me for it." And it is quite clear to each of these three men, my husband and his brothers TRAPPED outside of Lebanon while their wives were TRAPPED inside, that their faith was being negotiated to a higher level. None of them now are disappointed and not a single one doubt their creation or the creation of all things including the bad things we are all going through now in this world. All of us are folks. If you think you are not...well then you are nuts or mentally handicapped. Or perhaps, you think you are 'better' than the impoverished people of the world and for some reason, you don't have to suffer.

Now I still have four young women trapped in Lebanon, my husband's four younger sisters. One of them is in grave danger. The war is just over the hill from our village down there. One sister is hiding in that hospital that you may have seen on CNN. She is there with her four children and husband who is what we call, a Sayyed. Not an active member of any organization but just a hard working man who happens to trace his lineage to the immediate family of the prophet, a very, very large and extended family. A quiet and pious man. A tired man. A frustrated man whose only hope was to make life for my husband's sister and their children better. Oh, he has a story too. Don't they all! If only I can manage to tell their stories. If only I can.

So yes, I need to let you poor readers know that this isn't anger. This is CERTITUDE and it is also GRATEFULNESS that the Lord of the Worlds CHOSE ME to witness. Chose me to have the talent to write about it and most of all, CHOSE ME to be a muslim. That some of you are quite jealous of my faith, well, what can I say. If I knew someone like me and I was 'faithless', it would give me some pretty bad feelings of envy and jealousy inside. How it is. Especially for some of my fellow poets who think they know the real deal but have never experienced anything more than a bad mike at a reading.

Sadly for many of you, you stand no chance of being chosen.

The Jews though, are what we call "The Chosen". Well, chosen for what? And you know, we believe they are THE CHOSEN PEOPLE. Chosen is a funny word though and implies so many things. To some, it has implied PREFERRED. I think this is a misinterpretation. I think their role in the plan of Allah, this vast and sometimes chaotic, obscure plan of Allah, is something the knowledge of the meaning of it, is only with Allah.

For now though, we don't want to die. Nasrallah never said anything about the Shi'i WANTING to die. He only said that we are UNAFRAID of dying. And why are we unafraid of that?

Because a true Shi'i has been chosen for a very specific purpose and each one of them is given a path to purification via understanding their life story and the long history of Islam.

And you know what? THEIR story has never changed. Rain or shine, it has never once changed. And real Shi'i know what it means to be a Shi'i. It means patience and struggle. It means knowing an enemy from an ignorant. And when you finally understand Islam, be it Sunni or Shi'i (from this point on) you will successfully understand a very HUGE portion of the chaotic plan for this planet.

The Shi'i do not hate Americans. They love Americans and I am example of that. What they are actually is a people disgusted with HYPOCRISY. Worldwide hypocrisy and the disintegration of the Good.

And who isn't nowadays! But for some reason, some people in the world poisoned your minds against them. That is the job of the hypocrit. And we all know at least one of those!

I know perhaps a half dozen. And I also see them on TV by the hundreds. I also see many who are not hypocrits and now, their minds are at war with them. Especially the many uniformed soldiers of the US armed forces who I had the pleasure of meeting on my journey....guys like Quinty and others like that crazy lightweight kickboxer LeBron, a Puerto Rican with so much wit. He sat at our table and I was showing him my famous Leatherman Tool and he said, "If you spin the Leatherman, you can travel through time." Ah, some of us wish we could. I'd travel right back to about three weeks ago in South Lebanon, to a young boys birthday party, my darling Hassounah who is now safe in Syria. When that party concluded, I told my husband, "I'm so happy now. I'm safe with my family and my beliefs. I am finally at rest."

And you see, Americans are under the impression that they live in a peaceful country. How untrue!

THE MINDS OF AMERICA ARE AT WAR WITHIN THEIR VERY OWN CRANIUMS. RIGHT HEMISPHERE AGAINST LEFT HEMISPHERE. LOGIC VERSUS FAITH versus a whole lot of propaganda and in the midst of being trained by their own government to be Nazis.

Go figure how that could happen again. Go figure.

And with all my humble heart, I INVITE ALL JEWS TO ISLAM NOW. I MEAN IT. YOU ARE WELCOME AMONG US AS YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.